Reflections

My sincerest apologies for not writing in forever and a half. School is incredibly busy, and there's been plenty of ups and downs to be had.

Life, overall, has been good. You almost have to look at everything that way. A negative attitude never really gets you anywhere, and even if it did, would you want to go there? Don't get my wrong, I'm not Miss Perky all the time. Far from it! But I do believe that attitude makes all the difference. I wasn't always like that - I really didn't start thinking about life that way until my father went through Impact training (I'm still not entirely sure what that is, so I'm sorry if I'm a bit sparse on the details). His entire ideology changed, and it was a change for the better. It focused on the positive and making life simple - if you really look at it, life IS simple. We just overcomplicate things merely because we think we have to or because we have nothing better to do with our time. We are just naturally complicated, and its frustrating. Why add more stress to a life when it can become stressful at the drop of a hat? It really doesn't make sense. What's even more ironic is the fact that when people are presented with this option, a proactive choice to make LIFE EASIER, they oppose it as much as possible. They insist its not feasible, that an easy life is just not meant for them. I have reached a point of frustration with several people because of this, because it doesn't make any sense to me at all. Why would you refuse a better quality of life?! Like, seriously. It baffles me entirely because once I chose to be more positive, be more open to experiences, and try to look at life from a different perspective, I literally felt a weight lift off my shoulders. That's how I know God wants me to achieve and life happily - He led my dad to that realization and it reflected onto me. Thank you!! So someone please explain to me why NO ONE ELSE wants to choose an easier and happier life. I'd appreciate it.

My best friend is leaving for his mission in Cambodia in about six days. I am so incredibly proud of him - not only because he's taking a leap of faith literally into the unknown, but he's going with a purpose. And it's a great purpose, to top it all off. I have never felt any sadness in thinking about him leaving, and maybe that's because I'm strange. Almost everyone else I've talked to acts like he is dying and never coming back - why?? That not only makes it harder on yourself but harder on him to go! HELLO PEOPLE! Yes, he will be gone for two years. But what a glorious two years that will be!! He is going out to help people, to bring them peace and joy. And this isn't the only place I've seen similar "grief", if you will call it that. I understand why people are sad - they will miss them, two years IS a long time, and they will both miss out on the growth and development in a way because they won't see each other for so long. Even though he's going out to a war of sorts, he's going to WIN a war because Satan can't do jack when missionaries are on the prowl. And he won't come back with bruises or epic battle scars, he will merely come home humble and glowing with the Spirit. So in a way I understand, but in a way I don't. Maybe the fact that I wasn't raised in a religious home accounts for my attitude about this, or maybe it's because I'm blunt to a fault, but that's kind of irrelevant when you look at the facts. So I don't care what anyone says - I am PROUD of him and will continue to be so the entire two years he is gone. Elder Kuhn, you will do AMAZING things!

Well, enough ranting for the day. Time for homework!!

Five Positive Things I've Found Today
1. I have an AWESOME bishop
2. I get to spend quality time with my family this weekend
3. I have amazing family members who love me very much
4. Even though the weight loss is really hard, I am learning how to build a better lifestyle for myself
5. I have pretty eyes!

-Bug

A Spectacle of Emotions

A thousand pardons for the delay in posts! Life has been absolutely hectic. How, you ask? Well, let me tell you! And on with the blogging!! I apologize for the slightly random, stream-of-consciousness pattern this is kind of going to come in, but I feel quite literally brain-raped at this point and it's just being written as it occurs to me.

Homework. Every college kid is painfully familiar with such a term, and it has come to dictate our very existence. I. Freaking. Hate. It. The stress levels are out of this world - literally. If it sends me to the hospital again, I will probably flip out in the most extreme way. I know teachers realize that we have other classes, but with the amount they give us, I often wonder if the REALLY understand. My only hope for sanity lies in the upcoming Spring Break. Don't ask why it's in the beginning of March - I have no friggin clue! But either way, the break will be much needed and much appreciated.

It's also nice to enjoy a moment. There have been little moments throughout the week that really make me just appreciate life. And it's always the little things that make a day complete - you'd never imagine it to be. Maybe it's that awesome conversation with someone you genuinely enjoy talking to, or just going to church and feeling absolute peace. Right now, my little moment of awesome is hanging in my best friend's room, watching her rock out to Lady Gaga and get horribly involved with her latest favorite show, Private Practice. I love how she owns her feelings, and enjoys who she is, even if she doesn't entirely realize or think she does. It's just little moments that make me smile my most favorite smile - not quite a full-blown smile, just a private one. Believe it or not, I prefer to be a bit more private with what goes on in my mind, and I feel like that kind of a smile really reflects just who I am. Whatever floats your boat, find it. Enjoy it. Relish in it and when times are tough, remember it.

It sometimes gets frustrating when you don't know how to express yourself, or what you stand for. Especially in turbulent times, such as the late teenage years lol. So many people set up expectations based on facts about you - your religion, your ethnicity, whatever. Why do people feel the need to set up expectations and take away your opinions? I don't understand it in the least. There's so many contradictory messages sent out by society, namely the ones displaying the messages, "Be who you want to be and enjoy being an individual." As lovely as this ideal is, how realistic is it? I know that people are out there that truly exercise this trait - I try to be one of them. But so much of society is based upon conformity, it's hard to remember that type of an ideal. I know I may be a broken record at this point, and my short term memory doesn't really help either so I honestly can't remember if I've even ranted about this particular topic lol, but seriously. Just food for thought I suppose. Kind of a moot point really because it doesn't entirely matter what you put out there if no one is going to pick it up and apply it in their own lives. Its the worst when someone asks for advice and doesn't bother to use it.

Fear is also a strange emotion. It really just produces two types of reactions: fight or flight. Yet, so often it seems that neither produce a positive effect and the repercussions are horrendous. Why? If it's a defensive mechanism, and it's meant for survival, then why does it make survival so miserable afterwards. It's a domineering emotion that paralyzes most and enrages the rest. And it doesn't even have to be directly related to the situation at hand - it could be fear of the consequences, fear of conformity, fear of society, it's all the same. I highly value the ability to express emotions because we all have a right to feel them. But what happens to those that don't get that opportunity, who have to constantly parade around in a mask pretending to feel only a certain range.

Ok, time to get back to homework. Good to be able to let off some steam - not my best blog, but I tried in the very least! haha

Five Positive Things for the Day
1. Despite the ever-present influence of procrastination, I have managed to get most of my homework done and I've been able to study for my midterms.
2. I have wonderful friends that I can genuinely talk to that really listen to what I say
3. I have a wonderful support system when I need it
4. Mother Nature will hopefully take a Midol and make up her mind about the weather and decide to let it get warm again - definite wishful thinking here
5. I'm alive!

Have a wonderful day guys :) always look for the positive in all!!

-Bug

The Climb

I started this journey, best outlined by my time spent at college, starting at 195 lbs. I am now down to 163 lbs and quite ecstatic! I have about 35-40 lbs to go, but I'm finally approaching the person I've always felt I was on the inside that I've never quite been able to translate to the rest of the world. I know I wasn't a giant person or anything, but I was always referred to as the "big girl" growing up, and I absolutely HATED it. I always wanted to change. And now that I'm actually taking the initiative, time, and effort to do so, I have never felt so much pride in who I was and what I could accomplish. I could quite literally cry right now, but because I'm a bit more of a balls-to-the-walls kind of girl (at least for today...I've been listening to a lot of P!nk lately :) hahahaha) I will refrain.

Homework always finds a way to destroy your sanity, never forget that! It's strange how time-consuming it ends up being instead of what it was "supposed to be". I think they secretly plan that out, but hey, what do I know? I'm just a college kid! :) But in the long run, I see the value of it. Everything has a purpose, short term or long, and it only takes that little bit of effort on our part to either find that purpose or to just appreciate it with a positive attitude. Why positive, you ask? Well, it makes things easier to handle. I don't know about you, but I would rather make my life as easy and less complicated as possible. Life is already hard-wired to be like that, and I would prefer to keep my focus on more proactive and optimistic points of view.

I adore my family. Particularly my younger brother. He has been an inspiration to me ever since he was born. I think he's the reason I have such a strong maternal side to me - I constantly need to take care of people, and I don't really know why. But I'm sure that he is part of the reasoning. My younger brother was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism, but he was high functioning. The doctors always said he would never read, never interact with people, never joke. How could they predict the life of a child when they were so small? We spent so many years working with him to find out what he COULD do. My mother went to work, and so I dedicated my time to his education and development of social skills. I knew that potential was there, and I just needed to unleash it to the world. He is now in the ninth grade, on reading level, and this is his first year with no special education classes. His struggle motivates me every single day to never give up. Ever. We went back to the doctors a while ago and they looked at him and said, "This is not the kid we see on these papers." Take that modern medicine!! You CAN beat the odds, even if no one else thinks you can. You just need that one person, that one motivation, and you have the world at your feet. I'm so proud of him - he has so many dreams! He wants to be a writer, an artist, and a teacher. He wants to help kids like him, who struggled to make it but want to in the end. He also wants to be an army ranger - he loves strategy and pretty much anything relating to a battle. This one about nearly gave me a heart attack, hence why I note the strong maternal instincts he seems to have instilled. But  to me, at least he has a dream. There are so many people who don't, and I feel bad for them. They never are able to see the potential it will unlock.

Five Positive Things
1. I had the best conversation at 2 AM the other night - totally made my friggin day!
2. Spring Break is coming up
3. I have such wonderful friends as roommates...no, they are sisters!
4. The Lord is helping me every day to be strong!
5. I am loved by the people in my life

Mulling Things Over

Well hello once again! Just got back from camping in the blistering cold - I would definitely do it again though. However, I would definitely do it again without catching a head cold and without having bronch spasms. That would definitely be awesome.

 I LOVE camping in all forms available! With this particular trip, there was hiking, sledding (painful and cold...note to self, invest in snowpants...you live in FREAKING UTAH, you should know better than that! Tsk tsk), delicious holy (yes, I said holy) hot chocolate, hilarious games, and guitar playing! What made it even better was the company I was with. I love spending time with my ward. They are like my second family, completely loving and genuinely good people. They are inclusive and make me feel less like an outsider, which is nice. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like an outsider most of the time. It rarely happens...but when it does, it hits like a brick. It's just those little things that act as triggers, those little things that make you realize there's something a little bit off about how you conduct yourself. But you know what? I LOVE the way I conduct myself because I know I do the best that I can. It took me a long time and a lot of pain and tears to finally get to that point where I was comfortable enough with myself to look in the mirror and say that I was proud of what I do and who I am. It wasn't always like that, as I am sure it isn't always like that with everyone. Everyone has insecurities, and you'd be a liar if you said you didn't. I feel like it takes a real man (or woman, take your pick of the terminology here) to admit that you are hard-wired to have flaws, but you LOVE THEM ANYWAY. Without them, would you really be you? Do you really want to be the "cookie cutter" that society expects? Maybe this is just me, and I'm not saying I don't dig conformity. I definitely see positives to conformity and having that sense of belonging and love, but where would the diversity, the differences, the interesting nuggets of life that make life interesting be if conformity was all we had? Just food for thought.

My aunt said something interesting to me a while ago, and it stuck with me ever since. I am a natural caregiver, and I take great pride in that fact. She asked, "You spend so much of your time taking care of others, but who do you let take care of you?" My reply to that is, taking care of people IS taking care of me. It is who I am, and that's where my comfort zone lies. I'm not here to say I am a saint, but it is just a fact about what makes me who I am. If I go a day without thinking or knowing I did something good for somebody else, I feel like an absolute monster. I kid you not, and it is the worst feeling in the world. My mother said I was born thirty years old and I keep aging. Between my mother and I, it is safe to say I am the adult lol. I love my mother so much, but I do tend to take the adult role in things an awful lot just...I guess that's another quirk of mine!! (I'm noticing I use a lot of the verb "to be"; sorry about that, I don't feel like writing with an exciting or expansive vocabulary today :))

I really do love my life, especially when it comes to my family. Last night was my dear cousin's fourteenth birthday party. I don't remember much from day to day, but I remember watching her grow up and all I have come to me is pride. I have a fairly large family - my mother and father both had five siblings each, leading to lots of cousins. I don't really know most of my dad's side of the family, and I regret not reaching out more. I started to within the last year, and it's been fun! Most of my cousins are a lot older than me on my dad's side, but on my mom's side, I am the oldest out of all the cousins. Most of them are under the age of eight. But THEY ARE FRIGGIN CUTE! Aaron and Emma, my Aunt Julie's kids, are the cutest. Just the simple joy of playing with birthday balloons made me smile in an unrestrained sort of way. I could watch and play with them for hours! I love all my family so much; they are number one in my priority. It's interesting though, I never drew a line in my head between family and friends...they all kind of fall into the category of family for the most part. But I love having a big family :) It further defines who I am!

OH! Funny tangent to end this blog post. So last night my dear roommate Kelsie and I had some unexpected visitors. They were a couple of boys from the University of Utah, who were trying to find a girl they met probably once. They ended up hanging out in our place for about an hour, and I couldn't tell you how funny Kelsie and I found it! They left a number and meandered on out around midnight. LOL It also was funny how earlier that day I had a fortune cookie that said, "A very attractive person has a message for you." Could this be true??? :) hehehe Oh Fate, you're a hoot!

I would love to hear about your guys' individuality and what defines you! Please leave a comment and tell me all about it!!

Have a great day! 

-Bug

Five Positive Things For the Day

1. Even though I'm sick, I could be a lot sicker!

2. I gained a lot of fun memories from the last two days involving camping, hanging with good friends, making new friends, and seeing my family

3. Getting my homework done...kind of

4. Making new goals for myself to continue training for my 10K

5. I'm ALIVE!

A Collective Summary from The Day

Well hello! Time again to write another blog! There were several things I thought about yesterday (it was really quite a LONG day hahaha) that I really would like to just write down and kind of collect into one little spot. Sound good? Good.

Yesterday I saw the Vagina Monologues. Yes, I didn't stutter. The VAGINA Monologues. One of the best things I've ever seen. It really made me think - was there such a taboo around the world "vagina"? The Vagina Monologues consisted of stories from several different types of women - young girls, the elderly, the wounded, and they even had a mangina! It was all about celebrating the beauty and diversity of ye olde vagina - really, I mostly just remember going there cause I heard it was funny. But it really made me think...these stories describe REAL LIFE problems! And I LOVED hearing those stories. There were stories full of curiosity, of genuine pain, of extreme highs and lows. I wanted to tell everyone I knew about what I had felt and heard at the Vagina Monologues!

Sadly, the people I wanted to tell really didn't want to listen to me. It's too much of a taboo..."You shouldn't be thinking about things down there" and "That's really weird." How can it be weird WHEN YOU FREAKING HAVE ONE?!?!?! It's not going to go away!

This brings me to another point that bothered me today. I have no classification, and it bothers me. I am Mormon and dang proud of it! But the way I was raised makes it hard for me to fit in, and I feel like a genuine outsider sometimes. I was raised in more of a spiritual than religious home. My father, for most of my life, did not actively practice really any religion. I knew he believed in God, and that was good enough. Ever since he met with Jewel, my stepmom, he has become more of what I call the "Christian Buddhist" just because I really have no idea what they're really called. I have never been happier and more proud of my father, because he is happier now that he has found Jewel and his new religion. My mother was LDS, but did things her own way without caring what other people thought of it. And I was caught in between! I am eternally grateful for my upbringing because it has kept me open to almost everything, and yet still able to keep and maintain those standards I love the most. But there are some days where I want to be myself so badly, but I can't. I know this is mostly probably just in my head, but I also know that there are real aspects of the story that remind me everyday that I'm not like the people I love. The Vagina Monologues are a good example. I tried to talk to my friends about it - all my friends - and some of them received it well! Like my roommates, for example. But once I brought it up with certain friends...you could forget it. It breaks my heart sometimes. But I guess that's what I get for going to a liberal arts school! I never regret who I am and what I believe - I love it all!

So I'm super excited for tomorrow - I'M GOING CAMPING!!!!!!!! Yes, best ward activity ever! Although the weather is crap, I'm excited to get out in it and just enjoy time spent with good friends of mine (don't worry, I won't be bringing up the Monologues). This will be a weekend worth remembering hopefully!!!

So here comes the time for me to list five positive things about the previous day...here we go!

1. I got to talk to an old friend
2. I was able to celebrate in my womanhood!
3. I was able to wheedle my homework into a more manageable size
4. Got to hang out with some great friends
5. I have the Lord in my life :)

Have a wonderful day!
-Bug

The World's Oppressing Eyes

Everyday is a challenge. Especially when one is facing the judgment of the world. The world places gives us so many conflicting messages...they tell you to "embrace who you are" and to "revel in your individual beauty." And yet, so many of us feel we need to embody the word "perfect." That we need to look or feel a certain way, that the way we are now just isn't good enough to give. I hate it whenever I do my best (for there is no try - only do or don't), there is someone constantly tearing me down. It could be Satan, it could be my own personal demons, it could be whatever negative force is out there. But the fact is...I'm the only one who has control over whether I'm going to let them bring me down with their negative comments about my appearance, my personality, whatever. It's entirely psychological - it's all about how we interpret the stares, the subtle comments, everything. My father, bless his heart, always told me that, "Everyone's opinion of you is none of your business." When I first heard him say that, I thought he was crazy. But then it got me to think - how many of us base our self-worth and self-image on the comments of others? I definitely take the time out of my day to self-evaluate. I can safely say I do not embody the word perfect, and I really don't intend to in this lifetime. I don't follow the world's standards at all - I'm definitely not a size 0, I'm a five-foot wonder, and I have no idea who I am just yet. But I always ask myself these questions: Do I think I'm good enough? Do I do enough for myself? Success only comes from self-fulfillment. Just be happy with who you are. I know this isn't entirely original, but it makes life so much easier when you don't give a crap about what the rest of the world thinks of you. We have enough burdens to carry in life - why do we need to add the weight of the world on our shoulders?


So everyday I try to write down five positive things about the previous day. It helps keep up a positive attitude! :) So here are my five positive things (I will try to keep them as generic as possible) and maybe encourage you, dear blog readers, to write down your own list of positives. It does wonders for your mental state FO SHO! :)


Five Positive Things about Feb 2, 2011
1. When you need the help, the Lord will always provide a way for you to get it
2. I made somebody smile
3. I made a new friend during an intramural soccer game
4. I was able to FINALLY get some sleep (oh the life of a college student...)
5. My roommates are so amazing and supportive


I also wish to rant about my roommates. You could never find anyone better than they are. We are all from the same general area, and yet we are so different. That diversity is priceless and I would never give it away. THAT would just be stupid. It's an entirely new support system. When you first start out college, you're scared to death. You're afraid that you won't like your roommates, they will distract you, they're going to be mean, and the list goes on and on. However, I lucked out. There have been several times throughout the year that I've been less than ideal (TO SAY THE LEAST) to be around. But they always have my back. These are the invaluable sister bonds I have sought to make, and I intend to keep for the rest of my life. I only wish they knew how much I love them and how dear they are to my heart - I don't think words can accurately describe just the way I feel about them.

I wish you all the best! Have a wonderful day!

-Bug

Intro and Such

Well hello!

I'm not entirely sure why I am doing an introduction...seeing as you're probably get a better sense of who I am by reading about what I decide to write and how I present it...but this IS my first blog entry, so I might as well I suppose.

I have a lot to say and I'm not afraid to say it! Haha I love exploring new perspectives and learning (yes, I'm a nerd, but it makes me happy!) so even though what I may say might not always be right, I love to be able to learn from it. I merely only present my perspectives that stimulate thought...or if I need a good rant, I'm sure I can do it here hahaha but in either case I hope you guys enjoy reading, as I hope to enjoy your own blogs or your commentary :)

Have a wonderful night!

-Bug